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10/09/2010 / Hackett

Man on Fake Phone Call BUSTED


This Guy


Now Playing: Muse – The Resistance

(The following is a work of satire based on a scene the author witnessed on Chicago’s CTA and then extrapolated into the following scenario. All persons and likenesses contained herein are probably truthful, but unsubstantiated…as far as you know.)

CHICAGO, Illinois — Area hotshot Kevin Riley was partially deafened and completely humiliated late Tuesday evening when his cell phone surprisingly rang while he was pretending to be on a call with his band’s drummer, in an effort to impress fellow CTA passenger Anna Johnston.

 “It was a rookie mistake, one I definitely shouldn’t have made, especially since I do this sh*t like all the time.”

In a practice apparently common amongst insecure twenty-somethings in major cities, Riley (rhythm guitarist for local 80’s and 90’s cover band GrungeBob FlairPants) was having a “conversation” with his drummer about their impending gig at Chicago’s Vic Theatre.  He hoped that overhearing the thinly-veiled one-sided conversation might pique her interest, thus providing him an ice-breaker with which to chat up the fetching Lincoln Park resident.  Unfortunately, things did not go as smoothly as he planned:

“It totally sucked.  My phone hadn’t rang in like seven hours, and my mom picked that exact moment to call and ask why I denied her friend request on Facebook.  SERIOUSLY?!”

Reports say, when the phone rang up against his ear, Riley was initially paralyzed with fear, then looked around sheepishly.  Then, in a panic, he apparently tried to play it off as if the previous (fake) call had been dropped unbeknownst to him.  According to Riley, “I thought I sold it pretty well, but then I noticed the chick and her friend totally laughing at me.  Balls.”

Said Johnston: “We kind of suspected he was full of sh*t, he was talking suspiciously loud, and we caught him glancing at us several times.  The kicker, though?  His ringtone was a Ke$ha song!  Baaaaahahahaha!  I don’t even think the Vic lets people who listen to her in the door!”

When asked if this would deter his use of this somewhat risky tacitc, Riley vowed that he would be more careful in the future.  “I’ve downloaded a widget that will set my phone to silent with a single touch, so that should eliminate these problems, dude.”  (Yes, he said “widget”…although, no one should be that surprised)

In a last ditch effort to allow Kevin to reclaim some sort of dignity here, we asked him if he wanted to plug his band’s show at the Vic.  His reply: “Oh that was total bullsh*t.  Dude, we can’t even get the freakin’ Cubby Bear to call us back.”

Big surprise. 


One Comment

Leave a Comment
  1. Nikki / Sep 10 2010 00:43

    Widget just took on a new meaning. Bravo!

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